[while eating a cheeseburger]
John: See, I knew it was McDonald's cheese you were putting in my lunch sandwiches, Mom.
Nikki: Processed cheese? Yeah.
John: I'm not going to call it processed cheese. It sounds too important. I'm going to call it McDonald's cheese.

Miklos: Ew. Is that garbage?
Nikki: John, did you fart?
Johnny: NO! It's this TOWN!
[Nikki rolls down window]
Johnny: [panicking] You're just letting it in, Mom!!

Johnny: I'm sorry for what I said before. I didn't mean it.
Nikki: ...Yeah? Do you remember what you said?
Johnny: .....No.
Nikki: One of the most important parts of apologizing is knowing what you're apologizing for.
Johnny: I'm sorry for my poor apology, Mom. Heh. I'm apologizing for my apology.

[Sitting in a Shoppers parking lot waiting for Nikki, John sitting beside me in the passenger seat eating a cheeseburger, complaining about the sun in his eyes]
Miklos: Here, we can drape mom's sweater over the visor and pull it off to the side. There we go. Better?
Johnny: [singing] You are the wind beneath my wings.

Johnny: Mom, Google how volcanoes are formed.
[Nikki does so]
Johnny: Hm. Not very interesting. Did you know I've almost never made a perfect snowball?

Johnny: Mom, what's this song called?
Nikki: Your mom. Oh great, I'm saying your mom to my own son now.

[During a quiet moment while eating lunch after the dog's toenail broke, spurting blood everywhere, following a morning of other small disasters]
Johnny: Mom... I think it's time we sell this house.

Pircsi: look mom i can multi task. I'm doing two things at once, cooking and playing the piano
Mom: actually you are doing three things
Pircsi: what's the third?
Mom: pissing me off

Nikki: I kept having nightmares. Walt [from Breaking Bad] was my dad and he lived separately from my mom in a house that was nice during the day but terrorized by neighbour kids at night and also a mean ghost
Nikki: Ps you should ask your local english major this: is it generally assumed that all ghosts other than casper are mean ghosts thus making what I said redundant and thus the reason he is so specifically named or can ghosts have an in-between personality as well and I've read too much into this?

Mom: Alex, you're a pig!
Alex: What does that make you then?
Mom: .... Pig momma?

Miklos: Why is toilet paper so expensive?
Nikki: I know... That's why you buy it when it's $4 at Shoppers and I have a dollar off coupon.
Miklos: I had to borrow 3 rolls from my mom today, we were out.
Nikki: Why don't you ever look in the storage room?
Miklos: Oh yeah, I keep forgetting it's more than just a server room.
Nikki: I'm stocked up on everything! I'm not some... hoochie mama.
Nikki: If there was an apocalypse tomorrow and we happened to be the last people alive, I have everything we'd need at least until we could break into a Walmart.

Dad: (upon seeing mom rolling her shorts up while standing in the water, fishing) Look at that. She's getting a nudity soon.

Nikki: lol http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Serial_Joe
Nikki: i just remembered them
miklos: ahahah oh yeah, skidrow
Nikki: omg they had a platinum album
Nikki: and a gold
Nikki: that's hilarious
Nikki: what gas station do they work at now
miklos: yeah the only place they see bronze silver or gold is on the markings at the pump
Nikki: hahaha
Nikki: his mom was their manager
Nikki: how did they get dropped

Dr Chewy: speaking of showering. I'm gonna get ready for work
Nikki: yeah, don't shower though. seeya.
Dr Chewy: and fortunate for me, no one does it in the washroom
Nikki: your mom and dad do
Nikki: BYE

Alex: wtf
Alex: why is mom and dad's phone busy
Alex: who could they possibly be on the phone with
Miklos: anyone
Alex: haha
Miklos: what a silly question
Alex: i guess it was wasn't it