#701 · Aug 25, 2020
[during lunch]
Johnny: Two of the greatest, most magnificent things for eating are your hands and your mouth.
Nikki: A fork is good too.
#700 · Aug 24, 2020
[Every night I whistle him the same song when he goes to bed. Today I decided to change some of the notes in the song. He listened for a while then interrupted]
Johnny: Dad, without any effects please!
#699 · Aug 24, 2020
Nikki: Look, John. It's a caterpillar! A big one.
Johnny: [hands on hips, talking to the caterpillar] I would be happy to be at your service as a caterpillar owner.
#698 · Aug 21, 2020
[While playing Minecraft on the Switch]
Miklos: Why is this controller pulling me to the left when I'm not even doing anything?
Johnny: Because I spilled water on it once and made it malfunction. It's pretty much useless now.
#697 · Aug 21, 2020
Johnny: How was the first caveman created? Tell me that. Maybe a dinosaur had an unusual egg and there was a caveman in it.
#696 · Aug 18, 2020
Johnny: [from the backseat of the car, looking out the window] Imagine being a cloud? Going wherever the wind blows...
Miklos: [looking over at Nikki] That's pretty poetic for a six-year-old, no?
#695 · Aug 11, 2020
Nikki: ...Johnny, I mean John
Miklos: hey, on dagh.net I still write Johnny because that's what all of your quotes are under.
Johnny: that's fine, but when I grow up, when I'm like 15 or 16, I want you guys to call me John Extreme, because I really like that name.
#694 · Aug 10, 2020
Miklos: [trying to remember how to play a theme song on the piano] Ah man I forget how this goes.
Johnny: Don't you have the theme song instructions? [sheet music]
#693 · Aug 10, 2020
[After Miklos worked up a hefty sneeze]
Johnny: Dad, it's cool that you only have a serious-sounding sneeze.
#692 · Jun 29, 2020
Johnny: Dad, who invented the alphabet?
Miklos: George Alpha...bate
Johnny: Huh. Joe Alphabate must be his son
#691 · Jul 14, 2020
Johnny: What's that from?
Miklos: A movie called Forrest Gump
Johnny: [pause] Is that a movie about a guy pooping in the woods?
Miklos: I said Gump, not dump
#690 · May 26, 2020
[Opens the door to the office holding John]
Miklos: I found this, it won't turn off
#689 · Jul 29, 2020
Johnny: Onesay Possanskay. The world's greatest BMX biker. Born in China, moved to Canada when he grew up.
#688 · Aug 8, 2020
[Playing Minecraft]
Miklos: Ok John go to Settings, then turn on "Show coordinates"
Nikki: [half listening] What? Choke hornets?
#687 · Aug 6, 2020
Miklos: Hey look, the hummingbird is having dinner with us.
Nikki: Uh-huh, trying to distract us from the fact that you're eating 13-month expired Sriracha sauce?
#686 · Aug 6, 2020
[Miklos joins the meeting with Jabra speaker phone instead of headset by accident. Window is open, neighbour is loud with a leaf blower]
Brett: Are you shaving?
Miklos: [realizing what's going on] ... the question is, WHAT, am I shaving?
Brett: Judging by the sound of it, EVERYTHING.
#685 · Aug 4, 2020
Johnny: Mom, Google how volcanoes are formed.
[Nikki does so]
Johnny: Hm. Not very interesting. Did you know I've almost never made a perfect snowball?
#684 · Aug 4, 2020
Johnny: [playing Minecraft] Ugh, granite... the DIRT of the mine.
#683 · Aug 4, 2020
Johnny: [looking at a farm field with square hay bales] I like life when it's Minecrafty.
#682 · Aug 4, 2020
Johnny: [on the can] Love you!
Miklos: [from the living room] You talking to me or your poo?
Johnny: You, of course. I already gave my poo some bad treatment by flushing it down to its permanent jail cell.
#681 · Aug 4, 2020
Johnny: Every week we catch a little baby catfish.
Papo: A little big catfish?
Johnny: No, I said a little baby catfish. Why would anyone say little big catfish? You'd have to be drunk or d-bad word to say that.
#680 · Dec 6, 2019
Johnny: Ooh. I have brain freeze. But not a bad brain freeze. A happy one.
Nikki: What's the difference?
Johnny: A bad brain freeze PUNCHES your brain! ['Punching his forehead' motion] A happy one HUGS your brain. [Smiles sweetly]
#679 · Nov 14, 2019
Johnny: Dad, teach me programming.
Miklos: I'll teach you when you're a bit older. Right now it would probably be pretty boring for you.
Johnny: No! It would be exciting! Nothing in my life is boring, except for Fabricland.
#678 · Oct 26, 2019
Miklos: You're a smart guy. You know what I am?
Johnny: A destroyed man.
#677 · Oct 24, 2019
[after his first guitar lesson]
Johnny: I was nervous at first because I didn't expect it would be that fun. But as soon as I saw my music teacher I smiled up.
Miklos: Smiled up? What does that mean?
Johnny: It means that the good feeling punches down the nervous feeling and it lives happily ever after.
#676 · Oct 21, 2019
Miklos: So John, what's up? How's life?
Johnny: Huh? Why do you say how's life? It's AMAZING! What do you think it is? Fried chicken?
#675 · Oct 19, 2019
[After hearing the 50th Conservative radio ad today]
Nikki: Wow, I sure hope if Scheer wins on Monday that I'll have loads of money falling out of my pockets.
Johnny: What do you mean?
Nikki: Oh, the party with the blue election signs says if we vote for them they're putting money in our pocket.
Johnny: I highly doubt it.
#674 · Oct 12, 2019
Miklos: John, what do you want to be when you grow up?
Johnny: I don't know.
Miklos: What about a transparent wall technician?
Johnny: What does that even mean?
Miklos: A window washer.
Johnny: Nope. I do not want to be anything like that.
#673 · Sep 21, 2019
Johnny: I'm really fast on my bike. Sometimes I let go of my breath but I never give up.
#672 · Sep 1, 2019
Johnny: Don't make me do boring stuff. I like doing cute stuff.
Miklos: Boring stuff. Like what?
Johnny: Like talking too much, or bringing in your iced coffee, or making you have to stop being on your phone all the time. That's it.
Miklos: And what about the cute stuff?
Johnny: That's like doing things I like... or like when mommy sings me a song.
#671 · Aug 29, 2019
Johnny: Don't look at me like that.
Nikki: Like what?
Johnny: Like an egg salad sandwich.
#670 · Jul 30, 2019
[While driving on the highway; a tow truck worker pulls over and gets out of his car to walk up to a police car pulled over ahead of him]
Johnny: Somehow a tow truck driver pulled over a policeman!
#669 · Jul 17, 2019
Johnny: How do you make that salad dressing?
Nikki: I don't know, I kind of just put whatever ingredients I like in and hope for the best.
Johnny: Yeah! You can do that. You don't have to follow a recipe. You can make your own! Nobody will call the cops. The cops don't mind! The government's not going to stop you! The government runs the world but they won't tell you what to put in your salad dressing!
#668 · Jun 14, 2019
Sanyi: If you walk like a duck, the duck will quack.
#666 · May 6, 2019
Miklos: I'll be flying through those clouds soon. Eh John? When you're flying in a plane sometimes you're even above the clouds. You look down and you can see them. I'll take a picture and send it for you to see.
[Johnny smacks his head]
Johnny: Oh my gosh, that's so weird I think I'm gonna throw up. That's bizarre.
#665 · Apr 30, 2019
Alex: Omg I just realized I have my underwear on backwards. No wonder why it felt really uncomfortable on the elliptical this morning.
#664 · Apr 25, 2019
Johnny: Some people’s ears wobble.
Nikki: Wobble? What do you mean?
Johnny: Did I go to a funeral once? I’m guessing I did. At the funeral there was an old lady and her ears wobbled.
#663 · Feb 17, 2019
Pearl: The wind blew hunger into me
#662 · Feb 6, 2019
Johnny: HAHA! I did two toots the same, and one different, Mommy! It's so FUNNY, isn't it?! [exaggerated laughing for approximately 20 seconds] My toots are the BEST!
#661 · Feb 3, 2019
Papo: Haha! That's so stupid.
Johnny: HEY! I was having a fun time until you said a swear word!
#660 · Oct 22, 2018
Miklos: "Wow. Look at all the geese in that field!"
Johnny: "I saw that on my way home from school. I guess whoever lives there has invited all their goose friends. They have 12 brothers, and 100 sisters!"
#659 · Oct 20, 2018
Miklos: Johnny beat me at Trouble. He sent me back to the beginning twice.
Johnny: Yep! So let's call that game 'Trouble for Miklos.'
#658 · Sep 9, 2018
Johnny: Wanna be bad guys?
Miklos: Sure.
Johnny: Ok. Let’s go bad the day up.
Miklos: Bad the day up? What does that mean?
Johnny: When we go over there, the day’s gonna be so angry at us.
#657 · Sep 9, 2018
Johnny: Let’s go shoot the day!
Nikki: Shoot the day?
Johnny: Shoot the day means save the day — with GUNS!!
Nikki: What are you, American?
#656 · Sep 5, 2018
[reading a cleaning tutorial]
Nikki: This person sure likes Pine Sol to clean things.
Miklos: Wouldn't that get sticky?
Nikki: It's Pine Sol, not pine sap
#655 · Sep 2, 2018
Nikki: you don’t want to be a helicopter parent.
Miklos: I wouldn’t say helicopter... I'd say more like a chinook.. two rotors..
#654 · Aug 22, 2018
Johnny: Oh, look! A checkmark! Of geese!
#653 · Aug 22, 2018
Johnny: The vine bridge is open all the time and when I have to poop the bridge closes fast so I don’t poop myself. And when the poo touches it it’s very sharp; that’s when I know I have to poop. Then when I am pooping it sloooowly opens to let the poop out.
#652 · Aug 16, 2018
Curtis: Next season of Santa Clarita Diet will probably be in April
Pearl: Dammit. I can’t wait till September
Curtis: What? Why?
Pearl: Because it’s closer to April
#651 · Aug 15, 2018
Alex: oh well as long as i can get to sex.com that's all that matters.