Miklos: How am I at 9300 steps already today? Oh right, I was hammering.
Nikki: Why are you wearing that (Fitbit) on your dominant hand anyway? You hammer with it, you write with it. Why not just put it on your non-dominant hand [like they tell you to]? Because [name withheld] made a comment on your watch and Fitbit picture? 'OH NO, don't wear it on your non-dominant hand with your watch! They won't get along! They're going to fight! Your watch is going to cry! It's not modern enough for the Fitbit!' I don't think so. Go away, [name withheld], I don't even know you.

Al: Now if I could just shit...
Miklos: don't worry i've shit for the both of us today
Al: Trying to be as empty as possible so the anesthesia doesn't gum up the pipes too bad
Miklos: i have no advice on shitting

Miklos: You know why our marriage is effortless?
Nikki: Why's that?
Miklos: Because we both make an effort.
Miklos: Except me..

Miklos: So what happened to the changing of the Canadian anthem thing?
Nikki: Ahh a bunch of scandals happened and then everyone realized that nobody cares.

Miklos: There's gotta be something on PBS worth watching.
Nikki: That's never been said.

Nikki: When people say they'll pray for you... do they really pray for you --
Miklos: Nope.
Nikki: -- or are they just being fuckin' assholes? That's what I think anyway.

Nikki: Lots of things aren't vegan.
Nikki: Do you want to know what's in bagels?
Miklos: What?
Nikki: Bird feathers. It's used as a softening agent.
Miklos: That's not so bad. Who cares, we're all gonna die the same way anyway.. it's not that gross.
Nikki: No, I hate bird feathers!

Nikki: Ugh. You stink.
[Miklos farts loudly again]
Nikki: UGH!! That's it! I'm calling the police!

[while talking about bodily differences and 'cycles']
Nikki: I love how men really don't have to deal with anything their whole lives.
Miklos: We have to deal with you.
Nikki: Yeah right. You basically stare off into space your whole lives and at the end you might get butt cancer.
Miklos: But probably not.

Miklos: What's a study?
Nikki: Rich people have offices made of oak and mahogany, and that's what they call a study.

Nikki: This queen's stupid. She knights everyone willy-nilly. She knighted Anthony Hopkins a long time ago. She knighted Elton John, she knighted Ben Kingsley...
Miklos: She knighted Furniture Warehouse...
Nikki: No, YOU-nited Furniture Warehouse!

Nikki: I wish there was a feature in the car that said, "Welcome to the proper side of the road".
Miklos: It'd be called the Saturn Sarcasm.
Nikki: No, it'd be the... Automatic Wife.

Nikki: are you reading this? [An informational sign on Flowerpot Island]
Miklos: no, I don't read... but I am taking a picture of it so that I can OCR scan it later and have the computer read it to me.

[after counting down to Niagara Falls fireworks which happened to be synced with the atomic clock (according to Miklos' radio controlled watch)]
Miklos: I love that the falls fireworks were so on time last night
Miklos: Made me look like a damn gemius

Nikki: Hey you know what'd be a good way to freak someone out, if you weren't concerned about animal cruelty?
[long pause]
Miklos: Alright, nice setup... go on...
[long pause]
Nikki: ... put a bird in their car.

[after waiting for cable tech to come all day]
Miklos: Oh look, the tech's out there on the wire.
Nikki: Ah, no!
Miklos: Oh wait, it's just a little squirrel.
[squirrel standing on wire, wiggling its tail]

Nikki: Look at these pictures of these cats.
Nikki: Oh.. this [first] one is the snow outside, looks like a vagina..
Miklos: How?
Nikki: Shut up. Look at this cat picture.

miklos: I'm gonna be 32... that's like.. adult ages.

miklos: nobody appreciates my humour here, they just think i'm odd
Nikki: I know
Nikki: you're an immigrant, luckily, so instead of institutionalizing you, they attribute it to culture

miklos: hrm I just took a pushpin from the right side of my cubicle and I was gonna put it on the left side of the cubicle (to the left of my computer) and I dragged my mouse with the intention that I was going to click on the left side panel of my cubicle to bring the panel into focus but it didn't work cuz THE CURSOR BELONGS INSIDE THE COMPUTER..
Nikki: what the hell is happening