Nikki: Today I thought to myself, "Man I wish I really was the master of net revenues."

Nikki: if the boy gets up and won't settle in the middle of the night, I would go in and try to settle him but he thinks I am the milk man.
Miklos: Not a problem, I am Milkless
Nikki: how appropriate...

[loud car drives down the street]
Nikki: who is this fuckhead on Christmas Eve...
Miklos: ...that's driving a kazoo?

[watching an Excel gum commercial]
Nikki: I love how they think donut breath is bad breath. If you had donut breath I'd be happy to kiss you. You know? How is that bad?

[channel surfing and stumbling upon the music video Sam Smith - I'm Not The Only One]
Miklos: ugh this guy is white?
Nikki: I know eh? He sounds like a sweet black man.
Nikki: now I don't like him hehe

Nikki: If I ever had a liverwurst business it'd be called De Livery. Our slogan would be "Our Wurst is The Best."

Nikki: [taking fake vampire teeth out of her mouth] how do people with dentures do this shit?
Miklos: I think they have properly fitted ones
Nikki: ah, not dollar store ones?

Miklos: Remember Electric Circus?
[Nikki and Miklos simultaneously] What the f was the point of that?!

[Reading a receipt that is almost completely faded]
Nikki: When is this even from? 0...1...?
Miklos: January 30, 2012?
Nikki: 2011. Christmas the 23rd. Wait. December.

Nikki: I told [6-month-old] Johnny don't ever get dogs. They're nice but a lot of work. He said "bbbbblllloooooon" so I said yes balloon dogs might be easier

[Reading Mansion House sign]
Nikki: Ooh, "The Captain is coming"!
Miklos: What about Tennille?
Nikki: I don't know what that is.
Miklos: What? Captain and Tennille. Am I that old?
Nikki: Well, it finally happened. You referenced something that's too old for me to understand.

Miklos: What year is this movie from? 1997? That's... 25 years!
Nikki: No it isn't. Not by any kind of math, anyway.

[pointing at a mole on her jawline]
Nikki: Has this always been there?
Miklos: I've never seen it.
Nikki: Really? It just showed up? Is it cancer?
Miklos: It's not cancer. It's been there forever.

Nikki: [talking to the TV] Your credit card didn't go through because you spend too much money...
Miklos: [looking at phone] No, it's because I couldn't remember my PIN because I haven't used it in so long.
Nikki: Not you, the girl on TV.
Miklos: [still not paying attention] Ohh, me.
Nikki: NO, NOT you. The girl on TV!

[Miklos making breakfast in the kitchen, Nikki feeding Johnny in the living room]
Nikki: Is pee ok, spider?
Miklos: What??
Nikki: Is pee ok, spider? In your native language.
Miklos: Oh! P-ó-k! Yeah that's spider... I would've never guessed what the hell you were talking about if you didn't say "native language".

Nikki: There's something called No-Nails. It's good for wiggly bannisters and stuff.
Miklos: Is it like a tape?
Nikki: No, it's like a caulk ...
[Realizes what that sounded like]
Both: ........

Nikki: Did you know an aneurysm can just happen at any time? We could be talking right now and one of us could have an aneurysm and end up dead.
[Miklos, sipping from a glass, dribbles milk onto his shirt]
Nikki: Whoops...
Miklos: Looks like I'm well on my way.
Nikki: That was more of a stroke.

Nikki: Why do guys scratch their balls and then sniff their hands?
Miklos: I don't know? That's how monkeys do it.
Nikki: Like what are you gonna do based on the smells? "Ok.. I gotta now go make lunch..." or "This tells me that 2 days ago I had cabbage."

Nikki: Vegans don't eat honey because it exploits bees. I officially think vegans are enormous idiots.

Nikki: I have a sunburn on my wrist even though I was wearing a watch.
Miklos: I have the opposite.
Nikki: A moonburn?