Nikki: [talking to the TV] Your credit card didn't go through because you spend too much money...
Miklos: [looking at phone] No, it's because I couldn't remember my PIN because I haven't used it in so long.
Nikki: Not you, the girl on TV.
Miklos: [still not paying attention] Ohh, me.
Nikki: NO, NOT you. The girl on TV!

Miklos: How many people googled Rod Iron and then clicked images and then swore never to tell anyone? Come on now, be honest.

[Miklos making breakfast in the kitchen, Nikki feeding Johnny in the living room]
Nikki: Is pee ok, spider?
Miklos: What??
Nikki: Is pee ok, spider? In your native language.
Miklos: Oh! P-ó-k! Yeah that's spider... I would've never guessed what the hell you were talking about if you didn't say "native language".

Nikki: There's something called No-Nails. It's good for wiggly bannisters and stuff.
Miklos: Is it like a tape?
Nikki: No, it's like a caulk ...
[Realizes what that sounded like]
Both: ........

Nikki: Did you know an aneurysm can just happen at any time? We could be talking right now and one of us could have an aneurysm and end up dead.
[Miklos, sipping from a glass, dribbles milk onto his shirt]
Nikki: Whoops...
Miklos: Looks like I'm well on my way.
Nikki: That was more of a stroke.

miklos: [on dating a nerd] Once you go slacks, you never go back.

Nikki: Why do guys scratch their balls and then sniff their hands?
Miklos: I don't know? That's how monkeys do it.
Nikki: Like what are you gonna do based on the smells? "Ok.. I gotta now go make lunch..." or "This tells me that 2 days ago I had cabbage."

Nikki: I have a sunburn on my wrist even though I was wearing a watch.
Miklos: I have the opposite.
Nikki: A moonburn?

Miklos: Pogacsa's all gone. Marek ate most of it.
Nikki: Do they have pogacsa in Poland?
Miklos: I don't think so.
Nikki: Really? They love potatoes. By that I mean that I've seen one war-time movie where all they had to eat was potatoes.

[Entering the living room after a nap, noticing]
Nik: You still have tea! Probably ice tea by now.
Miklos: Room tea
Nik: Soon it will be emp-tea.

(while driving past the Little Caesar's sign-swinging guy currently moving the sign like a steering wheel)
Miklos: [in a sad fading voice] "I'm driving you awaaayy..."

Miklos: that guy [down the street] has a hook for a hand
Nikki: do you think he's crazy?
Miklos: he's got a hook for a hand! He could've chosen something that looks like a hand... but he chose a hook!

Miklos: the dogs smell like bugles

Curtis: It's minus 17 outside
Miklos: It's minus fn shit!

Miklos: How am I at 9300 steps already today? Oh right, I was hammering.
Nikki: Why are you wearing that (Fitbit) on your dominant hand anyway? You hammer with it, you write with it. Why not just put it on your non-dominant hand [like they tell you to]? Because [name withheld] made a comment on your watch and Fitbit picture? 'OH NO, don't wear it on your non-dominant hand with your watch! They won't get along! They're going to fight! Your watch is going to cry! It's not modern enough for the Fitbit!' I don't think so. Go away, [name withheld], I don't even know you.

Al: Now if I could just shit...
Miklos: don't worry i've shit for the both of us today
Al: Trying to be as empty as possible so the anesthesia doesn't gum up the pipes too bad
Miklos: i have no advice on shitting

Miklos: You know why our marriage is effortless?
Nikki: Why's that?
Miklos: Because we both make an effort.
Miklos: Except me..

Miklos: So what happened to the changing of the Canadian anthem thing?
Nikki: Ahh a bunch of scandals happened and then everyone realized that nobody cares.

Miklos: There's gotta be something on PBS worth watching.
Nikki: That's never been said.

Nikki: When people say they'll pray for you... do they really pray for you --
Miklos: Nope.
Nikki: -- or are they just being fuckin' assholes? That's what I think anyway.